Thursday, April 07, 2011, 11:34 PM

Hi ziyan, happy birthday!

You've lived 15 years full already. There are many things you have and other's don't. There are things that you lack and others' have. You were born this day fifteen years ago. I know there are times you felt regretful for being born into a huge family like you have now.

You have a mother who cares but at the wrong time, who allows her siblings, which is your uncles to stay at your house since you were young as they need to work in SG although all their families are in MS.

You have a father who smokes, drinks until he vomitted blood this CNY and finally realised the harm of drinking when his sons reprimands him while sending him to the hospital, he doesn't have a nice past before you were born, he wasn't as amazing as the father you've always he'll be like.

You have two brothers who cares but not in the right way at times. They have never understood once how you really felt at times until you said it explicitly. People always wanted an older brother because they feel protected.

You're the youngest. Which makes you have the least say in terms of seniority. You've always wanted to be a middle child/oldest because since young, you seemed to be in the wrong always. Once the adults use "Mei da mei xiao" at you, you'll have to keep quiet and accept everything they blamed on you. But being someone who didn't like to keep everything to yourself. Each year you grew older, you spoke your opinions blatantly out. You didn't like the fact that you're the youngest which made you in no place to rebut, so you just said what you really felt, be it rebellious/rude, you just did it and faced all the punishments. I really admired you for that and i hope you won't change your thoughts just because they don't like or agree.

You've always wanted parents whom you could tell everything to like other kids, mother whom places you before your uncles, father who could make you feel like you're daddy's girl, Eldest brother who dote on you more than your second brother, a second brother who'll understand what you feel.

But each time you broke down in front of your mum and brothers, which you hate to, they always seemed to treat you better the other day. You have no choice but feel that they'll only care when something happens to you. Which day by day, you start to keep all those bad stuffs inside you because you really detest the feeling of sudden care and then they gradually fade away again. They made you feel so insecured at times when you were down. And the sense of protected feeling was gone each day passed.

You've been growing up in an environment filled with the opposite genders, your dad, brothers, uncles in a house with the exception of your mum until the recent years where you have a sister-in-law which don't really make you feel better.

But when you saw your dad on the hospital bed looking so frail and weak, you realised he's old. And you can't help but imagined that you'll have to grow up without him someday. You imagined him not being there when you graduates, get married, have his grandchild. You realised in all the disappointments you had in him and all the lack of care you had, you'll still loved your dad alot, and you really want him in your life all the way no matter how tough it was living with someone who was unreasonable at times. And when he was okay, you felt happier than before.

Your sense of insecurity haven't decreased throughout these years and i really hope you'll gradually feel better. Because afterall, you have a family unlike others. You get to say what you feel nowadays and do what you like without almost any restrictions, and you've got used to keeping things to yourself. (: Rather, you'll tell it to really close friends but never to your family. Despite that, you still want to be in the family. :D

Now it's your fifteenth year in your life journey. I hope you'll slowly become someone whom you want to become. (: And you are so lucky to have friends who care like family. (: They made you feel like you're never alone. So please always rmb to appreciate them and stay happy. Love yourself more and learn to be more forgiving.

-Me.